I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
