she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
