Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
