youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
