connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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