dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I believe in your delicious
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
