It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
