i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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