mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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