Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
