Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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