he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That was an excessively violent trivia night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
