how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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