I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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