i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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