my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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