im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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