I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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