I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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