we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
