Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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