I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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