Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
