You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
