your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
