Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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