My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
