I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
