Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
