the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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