Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
