1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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