Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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