I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
