Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
