i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
