Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
