She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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