I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
