i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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