It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
