It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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