saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Watching her eat just hurts me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.