I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
