Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
