Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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