DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
