I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
