ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
