he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
