i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
