My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
