if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
