Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
as a side note pls kill me
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