I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
