Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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