he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
